Hani Asks: When you love someone, how do you show him you love him without scaring him away?

Hey Hani,

Without knowing your exact situation, it’s hard to say. Is this a friend who you have fallen in love with? Or is it someone you are newly dating?

In either case, when it comes to love, the trick is to balance your emotional heart with your rational mind. Letting our feelings dictate our actions is always highly risky and oftentimes doesn’t work out the way we fantasize. This is not always a bad thing as long as you can sit back and reflect on what rational thinking you may not have taken into account and use it as a learning lesson for the future.

If this is a scenario with a friend, then I would say to tell him rather than “show” him. Don’t be passive about it as that might make the situation more confusing for the both of you. He may not understand what all the gestures mean and the miscommunication might leave you frustrated. The word “love” can be very strong, so it might be wise to say that you care about him more than a friend. If you don’t get the response you want, use the experience to learn and grow.

If this is a scenario with someone you are newly dating, then “showing” love with gestures would be more appropriate. But again, don’t let your heart take you too far down the rabbit hole. Put yourself into his shoes and do only things that you’d feel comfortable with someone doing for you. Again, don’t make the goal to confess love, but more so make it a “deep sense of caring” that you'd like to take further.

Best of luck,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Bill Asks: I lost my Mom Oct 22nd. I've gone through various mourning periods but I don't feel like it is over. In fact, I'm afraid of it ending.

I noticed your fb page hasn’t had anything since Oct 30th. Is that still being used?

Lastly, I lost my Mom Oct 22nd. I’ve gone through various mourning periods but I don’t feel like it is over. In fact, I’m afraid of it ending, because then that means I’m over losing her. I don’t want that.

Not sure if these are questions or just sharing.
— Bill

Hello Bill,

Wow! Thanks for noticing that on my FB page. I didn’t think much of anyone paid attention there. Yeah I skipped posting an essay on it during that time (but there had been one on the blog). I do not use Facebook much as it wants you to pay in order for it to show your posts to the audience who already follows you. It’s very frustrating. Also, it won’t even promote a lot of my stuff because it considers it “adult content” (even when the story doesn’t contain any nudity or sexual topics). So, that’s why I love it when folks subscribe to the blog. You’ll always get it (unless it goes into your junk box, then I’m just screwed).

Anyway, on to your second and more important question/statement. I actually commissioned my partner Luke to answer this one. He is a brilliant therapist who has worked with grief a lot and even experienced it first hand. Hope you find some solace in his beautiful words below.

______________________

Hi Bill,

Luke here, Scott's partner. First of all, many thanks to you for being so vulnerable.  Loss is hard, grieving is hard, and it takes a lot of courage to say that out loud and ask questions about it. Our society does all it can to cover/mask or deny the reality of death and loss and I am always thankful for an honest approach such as yours.  I am so sorry for your suffering right now, and at the same time I am thankful that you had a relationship with your mother that warrants that grief.

Grieving anybody in our lives can be complicated, but losing a parent definitely amplifies the experience and emotion. That being said, I want you to know that there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. There are many who will identify ‘the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance),’ and these certainly can be many common denominators for people, but the way we experience loss can vary greatly.

It's interesting that you say you have had various mourning periods, because I often think of grief as a tsunami…. It comes in, overwhelms our lives, and feels like all is lost. Then it recedes. But right when we are starting to feel some sense of normalcy, it returns; again taking us to our knees. This can happen repeatedly, but each time the waves become smaller and smaller until eventually we are no longer knocked down. But we are changed.

I would hope that in your mourning, you allow yourself to feel the sadness and loss, but that you are equally able to grow and strengthen all of the qualities and gifts you have gained from your mother.   Also, know that you are not alone, and often telling stories, sharing pains, and hearing from others can be helpful. There are several grieving resources that could be helpful, if you are interested.

Please continue in your honest appraisal of your grief. The holidays can be especially hard, and it might be important to surround yourself not just with friends and family, but a grieving support system as well. And, if your pain continually impedes on your ability to work, has negative impacts on your relationships, or you start sensing depression, please seek further supports.

Be good to yourself this season.

https://www.griefshare.org/findagroup

https://sparkoflife.org/

https://www.promises.com/therapies/grief-counseling/

Sincerely,

Scott & Luke

John Asks: How do you find love?

Hi Scott, my name is John. I’m 24 years old living in Georgia with a couple of questions to ask. For right know I’m just going to do a really simple one, love. I now love isn’t a simple question to ask but here goes nothing. My question for you is how do you find love? I want to find a guy to be with but I have no idea how. I fear the idea of going online to a site or join one of those hookup apps. I’m not a very confident person because of my body and personality, also I’ve never had a boyfriend or a real crush with anyone. I just don’t know what to do, any advice would be appreciated
— John

Hola John,

That is a tough one to answer as we are all different in what we want and how we pursue it. I am sure you’re tired of the predictable response of “You’re young! You have so much time!” Blah blah.

Here is what I have come to know about those who are in high search for love: a watched pot never boils. The harder you search for it, the harder it is to find it. I believe there is wisdom in being happy with where you are in this moment. Pursue it as it comes up, but don’t force it. In the meantime, enjoy being single and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

I highly recommending growing your confidence. Since you mentioned that, it’s important to address it. People have different types they go for, but the ONE thing that is universally sexy is confidence. The way you feel about yourself sends a message as to how others should feel about you. If you don't believe in yourself, guys will sense that energy and also not believe in you. But if you believe you are worthy and like who you are, then guys will most likely see you as worthy and like you as well. Confidence is key. If you don’t have it, work on it.

Another important key to finding love is to let go of what you think you want. A lot of the things we look for in a mate are more superficial than we realize: good looking, good job, similar interests, makes us laugh… a lot of that doesn’t help sustain a good relationship as much as we think. Be sure to look for the more humanistic qualities such as kindness, compassionate, understanding, communicative, empathetic. Without these, love is not as lovely as it sounds.

And one last thing, I have come to see that when people are desperately looking for love, they often times end up in bad relationships. This is not how it always happens of course. But often times, when we want something bad enough, we will go with the first thing that marginally fits the bill. Thus, we can end up with guys who were never that great of a fit to begin with. The honeymoon period can fool us easily. Have open eyes just as much as an open heart.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Anonymous Asks: How did you and Luke meet? Did the status affect the relationship dynamics?

How did you and Luke meet? Did the status affect the relationship dynamics? If so, how did you guys manage to navigate that? Sorry if these all have been answered before.
— Anonymous

Hey there Anonymous!

Never worry if a question has been asked. Oddly enough, in my two years of blogging, it has rarely happened.

The story of Luke and I getting together is so incredibly bizarre and complicated, that it could warrant a whole chapter in a book… which I plan to do in my second book (which should hopefully go faster than my first book). Here is the mini version:

I had not yet been diagnosed with HIV when he and I met at the beginning of summer. We went on a date and immediately wrote each other off. Luke thought I was too wild and I thought he was too reserved. But we liked each other enough to remain friends (which of course meant friends with benefits). Over the summer, we came to really appreciate a lot of the things we saw in each other.

Then in September, I got my diagnosis. It completely shattered me. Even though he was scared and didn’t understand it, he didn’t run away or make it about himself. Luke was the most kind and giving and caring person in the world . He gave me far more hope than any of my friends did (who were so freaked out they could hardly talk about it). I realized that I would be incredibly lucky to end up with a man like him. And in all of my brokenness, he somehow saw someone he would want to be with as well. In the midst of my crisis, we fell in love.

Then shit just got weird from there (CLIFFHANGER!).

Eleven years later, I still love him so much and truly can’t imagine myself with anyone else. This is why I constantly give the dating advice of: date who you don’t think you’d want. Luke was not the guy I imagined myself with and I couldn’t be more grateful that it worked out this way.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Anonymous Asks: Are you currently in a relationship? If so, what's one piece of advice you would give for a good relationship?

Hi Anonymous,

It’s funny that you ask that because I feel like I talk about my relationship with my partner, Luke, on here constantly. But hey, maybe you only read one blog post that didn’t involve him. No worries. But, yes, Luke and I have been together for over 11 years now and I couldn’t be more thankful for it.

This relationship has taught me more about what makes for a good relationship above any other I’ve had (including family, friends, etc). It’s hard to give just ONE piece of advice. There are lots of advices I’d give. But if I could only give one, it would be this:

HAVE HUMILITY. It sounds simple but it is incredibly tough. As humans, we don’t like being the one who is wrong or having made a mistake. It makes us feel bad and so we try to avoid it via defending ourselves. But proving yourself right is not what will fix the situation. Listening to your partner and owning your shit will.

Luke and I had a friend who was a handsome and VERY intelligent man who made a great living. The thing he wanted more than anything was a good relationship. But anytime he got serious with a guy, it usually ended in a year or less (even though he was so great on paper). I have no doubt that it was due to this friend NEVER being able to be wrong. If you even remotely disagreed with him, he’d debate you to the death of it. Bottom line: people don’t want to be with people who can’t be wrong.

When I think about relationship, I think about the phrase “To error is human.” If being human means to fuck up, then relationship means being two people who will fuck up together. So it’s okay to be wrong. When you have humility, your partner feels validated, loved and honored. When they have humility with you, you will understand and appreciate this incredible component of a healthy relationship.

Okay… one last piece of advice (just for fun): that whole “never go to bed angry” thing is the WORST piece of advice for relationships!!!! Anytime someone tells you this, slap them… hard! When a fight gets heated, we get stuck in an emotional state of mind which then stops our ability to have any sense of rational thinking (which is necessary to solve problems). Plus, as we stay up late, we get tired which can make us even more cranky on top of that emotional state of mind.

The best thing to do is sleep on it. Resting can help bring back that rational state of mind by giving you time to calm down and reflect on what has been said and done. So, go to bed, give yourself more time if you need, and come back to the table when you (you guessed it) can your own shit.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Jay Asks: My password is not working. Do u have it?

Dear Jay,

Why am I answering this on the Q&A? Because Q&A is anonymous and this has happened a few times. If you are asking me something like this, I do not have an email for you to write back. So for questions like these, feel free to email me at scott@bareinkslinger.com or you can just go to the contact section of the website.

Now, on to this password business. My blog is not as advanced as it looks. People do not have individual passwords to access it. Instead there is one password we all use like a family. Sometimes I find this better because we are expected to make up these crazy passwords for so many different websites that it gets pretty bonkers.

For that reason, I have made this community password the most painstakingly easy password I could possibly think of. Most readers remember it. Some don’t. I probably wouldn’t myself. I have the memory of a goat these days. So I am not bothered if people forget it.

Anytime there is an NSFW post, there is a password reminder in the following week’s newsletter that corresponds with that blog post. If you aren’t sure and don’t want to wait for the newsletter (your impatience is flattering I assure you), then feel free to email and I’ll give ya a reminder.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Josh Asks: Do you have any guidance to give to someone who wants to start lifting?

I am wondering if you have any guidance to give to someone who wants to start lifting? You have a great body, and I’d like to look as good!
— Josh

Hey Josh,

First of all thank you.  I do have lots of guidance I can offer people.  The tough part is how I can offer it in just one post.  There’s a reason people write entire books, have entire websites, or devote entire blogs to this stuff.  So, here I can give some quick insights to give you an idea of what to expect and keep in mind in order to start this journey.

  1. Figure out a goal. A common mistake is that people simply approach it with “I wanna be fit.”  It doesn’t quite work like that.  Typically, the human body cannot simultaneously build muscle and burn fat at the same time.  These two aspects require different approaches.  So, pick one to start.  I always suggest building muscle first because fat burns more in the presence of muscle.

  2. Research the hell out of it.  When I started getting into fitness, I spent hours upon hours reading stuff online about it (exercises, routines, nutrition, theories, etc).  Nowadays, there’s SO MUCH info out there that googling it can be like taking a sip of water from a fire hose.  But the more you research, the more well-rounded view you will get of proper weight lifting.  Also, by doing this research yourself, you are further investing yourself on this journey.  That’s where something like personal training can hinder you - the trainer is doing the guess work for you.  The more you learn on your own, the more committed you will be.

  3. Figure out a game plan.  Based on what you have researched, figure out a lifting schedule (ie. how many days a week you will be lifting and which body parts and exercises you will be doing on each day).  One of the top reasons people fail in the gym is because they don’t have any plan when they walk in the door.  If you have done the research and still haven’t figured out some kind of routine, then there are many websites that offer routines that you can follow (mostly for sale).  Back when I started, I read two books called “From Scrawny To Brawny” and “Gaining Mass.”  These helped me a lot.  Since books are a thing of the past, I think these have become website subscription programs. I have also heard good things about Jim Stoppani programs. He has one for beginners but you have to pay. Also, be cautious that a big part of his marketing is supplements. We will get to that in a sec.

  4. Lift to failure. Once you’re in the door and doing your game plan or program, be sure to “lift to failure.”  This means that, in each set of each exercise, you should lift the weight until you absolutely cannot lift it a single time more.  Lots of people just lift until they tire out - mistaking it for failure.  But this does not properly fatigue the muscle.  So make sure you truly struggle on that last rep.  If you are able to get more than 12 reps in a set, the time has come to increase the weight (I generally lift heavy enough to fail by the 8th rep - give or take 2 reps).

  5. Nutrition nutrition nutrition. Enough can’t be said for nutrition. Again, it takes a lot of research. Here is what I find to be the most important part. Unlike dieting to lose weight, you need to eat MORE calories in order to gain muscle. For instance, I eat about 3,000 calories a day just to maintain my current mass. Each person is different though. So I say start here and tweak it based on the results you see after a few months. Also, this has to be calories from healthy food. You can’t just start eating cake all the time. ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT: you need to aim to eat 1-2g protein per lb of body weight per day. I weigh about 165lbs and aim to get at least 300g of protein a day. In addition to this, eat lots of fruits and veggies for the micro nutrients. 

  6. Eating schedule. Eating that much protein sounds tough but it’s easy when you break these meals down to six meals per day eating approx every 2-3 hours. Great protein sources include chicken breast, tuna, eggs, non-fat Greek yoghurt, etc. Start reading labels and you’ll figure out your staples. If you are the kind of person who gets sick of eating the same thing every day, this will be tough for you. With the exception of one meal (the awesome dinner my partner cooks), I eat the same things each day because I know it works for me. Put these meals on a schedule. For me, I do a breakfast, a lunch (then go workout 1-2 hours after), a post workout shake, a post workout meal (one hour after the shake), dinner, and a bedtime meal. This is just my version. There are lots of ways to do this.

  7. Supplements. When eager to get in shape, it’s easy to go crazy with supplements and load up on pre-workouts and creatine and all sorts of stuff. These can be useful, but aren’t necessarily necessary. Lots of online sites will try to market weightlifting supplements that promise wild results. They usually come with hefty price tag. For instance, that Jim Stoppani guy sells a line called Jym Supplement Science. If what he says about his protein product is true, it could be wonderful. Or it could be crap. The FDA doesn’t have any regulation on these so there isn’t always a lot of transparency on these products. The marketing is so good that it’s easy to get excited and throw down money on it. I did this a lot when I first started but found that they never made much of a difference in my workout.

    All I use is a quality whey protein product (I like the brand Gold Standard) and DIM (DIM is an estrogen suppressor and is only necessary for men over the age of 30). That’s it. I don’t mess with pre-workouts or creatine or any of that. I’m a hippie and opt for whole body wellness. So, I avoid artificial flavors, colors, and sugars which tends to come with those kinds of supplements. If I need a little more energy for a workout, I might drink some coffee beforehand. If you don’t care about such things and don’t mind dropping the money, then you can experiment with those other kinds of supplements.

    IMPORTANT: when it comes to whey protein, it is okay to get up to 50% of your daily protein intake from whey. I use it in my smoothie in the morning, in my post workout, and in bed time snack (though casein protein would be better for this as it digests slower). If you start using whey more than that, it can upset your tummy.  

  8. Post workout. After your workout your body is fatigued and is in a catabolic state. You have a 20 minute window to nourish it. Use 40-50g of whey protein for this (don’t premix it before the gym as once you add water, it’s only good for about 10 minutes). If you want to go the extra mile, you can also drink a post workout sugar before the protein. This will spike your insulin which will aid in absorbing the protein better. Again, I am a hippie so for my post workout sugar, I prepare a drink with one lemon, one lime, 1-2tbsp of agave nectar and water and ice. I also add dulse flakes (a form of seaweed) for bonus nutrients. It actually tastes really delicious. If someone wants to lose weight, I would avoid this step. Otherwise it works for me.

  9. Get lots of rest. Your muscles don’t grow in the gym, they grows while you are resting. Getting lots of good sleep really helps your muscle utilize the energy it needs to rebuild itself and come back stronger. Going out and partying a lot will put additional stress on the body that will prevent the muscle from getting the energy it needs for regrowth. Try your best to get nine hours of sleep each night and don’t have more than 2 - 3 alcoholic drinks a week. 

  10. Monitoring and Patience. Before you begin, take your measurements (waist, chest, shoulders, arms). There are youtube videos on how to do this. Also take lots of photos. In three months, do it all again. BE PATIENT! This kind of thing takes time. So if you aren’t ripped in those three months, don’t freak out. In fact, in those first three months you shouldn’t make too much progress because it will mostly be about getting your bearings and getting into the groove. So it might take even up to six months. If you aren’t seeing any results by then, then something is wrong and you’ll need to go back to the drawing board (which is why doing all that research is so helpful).

Whew! See why this is tough to explain in such little time? But this info should give you an idea of what to expect and where to go from here. Best of luck on your fitness journey.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Big Country Asks: How do you ask a business to sponsor you for a contest? And would you let novice photographers take pictures of you?

Hi Big Country,

For the first question… hell if I know. I am so not a business man. But I will have to learn soon because, in order for the blog to survive, I will have to eventually get sponsors. From what I have tried to learn, it seems very daunting.

I am sure it is different for someone who wants to get sponsored for a contest and might be a little more simpler in your case. Here’s my advice: pick one of the companies you’d want to get sponsored by. Call them up and say something like “I was curious if your company does any sponsorships for [xyz] type of contests.” If they say no, move on to the next company. If they say yes, then say, “Great. I am new to asking for this kind of sponsorship. Who can I talk to or what do I need to do in order to get the ball rolling?” I would imagine they’d help guide you from there.

It’s okay if you feel nervous about doing this. Remember, getting out of your comfort zone is what helps us grow and learn new things. “Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.”

As for your second question, yes, I am absolutely happy to pose for novice or aspiring photographers. But I do charge for this. That might sound off-putting. But for a blogger who has no current revenue for his work (basically giving it all away for free), this is the kind of thing I need to do in order to keep this blog afloat and not bankrupt myself. If you are interested, please message me privately.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

RJS Asks: Why is it so hard to locate a group that enjoys men doing what every man enjoys?

Why is it so hard to locate a group that enjoys men doing what every man enjoys, masturbating? Other cities have several groups where men from all walks just enjoy sitting around, comparing with others and enjoying a good game of edging. Why does Denver not see the value of such gathering?
— RJS

Dear RJS,

With Craigslist eliminating the personals section, and with the stigma of sexuality making it difficult to discuss such groups publicly, this gets tricky. But just because you haven’t found it does not mean it doesn’t exist. I have seen such groups pop up in Denver, though I don’t know how long they last or whether they are still around.

If you want to find such groups, you are going to have be more transparent and start asking around about it openly. If your shyness prevents you from talking about it, then you will never find the community your searching for (if it currently exists).

But here’s the thing I learned about community several years ago. Whether you want a social networking group for LGBT professionals or a group where you can just sit around jerkin’ it, community is a DIY project.

By this I mean you can either sit idly by - wishing it would happen, or you can get off your butt and create it yourself. If you want something bad enough, you will put the work into it. And if you build it, they will come (pun intended).

So, start up a secret facebook group. Get the word out. And see what comes of it (argh, more puns!).

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Anonymous Asks: Is it normal in a relationship for one party to grow to like the other party more than is being reciprocated?

Is it normal in a relationship for one party to grow to like the other party more than is being reciprocated? I feel like my bf of almost two years is way more into me than I am into him. I love the guy but is this just me being bored as we are no longer in our ‘honeymoon’ phase of a relationship? Or do I need to reasess and think about parting ways?
— Anonymous

Hey Anonymous,

I don’t know if I would describe this as “normal,” but I would definitely say this happens enough that you aren’t abnormal.

The honeymoon phase is a tricky little fucker. It’s almost like it sets people up for failure - a promise of a newfound relationship that will eventually not be quite like that. When it comes to that particular transition in a relationship, we ALL have to ask the question, “Okay, who are we now?”

If you aren’t feeling as satisfied as you think he might be, then it’s best to look inward instead of outward… meaning: don’t ask “what is it about him that’s leaving me unfulfilled?” but rather “what is it about ME that’s leaving me unfulfilled?”

Instead of trying to figure out whether or not he is providing a, b, or c, try to figure out if you’re really even needing a, b, or c, or if you are an x, y, z, kind of guy, and whether there is a random r or a k in there. Get to know yourself better to understand what you need from relationship, why you need it, and if it’s even realistic? When you ask yourself these questions, write them down along with your answers. Pen-to-paper gives it a stronger hold in our brain.

Here’s the kicker though: often what we think we want is not necessarily what sustains a great relationship. You can say you want a guy with a good job who is adventurous and makes you laugh. But that doesn’t mean he will be a good communicator or empathetic to YOUR needs. So, as you ask yourself those questions, be as brutally honest with yourself as possible. Would you rather have the nice guy who is kinda blah, or the wild guy who is kind of a dick? Since all of us are different, there’s technically no wrong answer.

To me, the true sign of when a relationship has gotten so stale that it is worth walking away is when you feel like roommates rather than a couple. This is when the relationship is basically void of all intimacy. Some people think this is when the sex stops but I disagree with that. There is so much more intimacy that’s shared in a relationship than just sex. There are so many other things you’d do with a partner than you’d do with a roommate.

If you see things headed in this direction, either try and be the partner you’d like to have, or figure out how things can come to an end so you don’t waste each other’s time.

Best of luck,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Dennis Asks: Were you always comfortable being naked? If not, why?

I grew up Catholic, gay and what my mom used to call “husky” which I knew meant fat. So because of all that I had tremendous body shame until my 20s. Now like you can’t keep my clothes on. Question: were you always comfortable being naked? If not why? And do you differentiate between nude and naked?
— Dennis

Hi Dennis,

So glad you were able to overcome body shame and shed your clothes.  That's awesome.

Was I always comfortable being naked?  The answer is no.  In fact, I am still not always comfortable being naked now.  It just depends the scenario.  Sometimes it's easy for me.  Sometimes it's very difficult.  

Like you, I grew up with a lot of body shame.  Though, it may be different from yours as it wasn't due to any kind of religious or conservative thinking.  More so, I grew up in a house of women and it's the norm (unfortunately) for women to dislike their bodies.  So it wasn't that my family members shamed each other, my family members shamed themselves and I absorbed that mentality.

With that, I grew up with a deep rooted sense of body dysmorphia.  And for me, it will never truly go away.  I feel fortunate that I have over come 80% of  it.  But that 20% can still nag at me.  This is why I continue to strip down openly in front of the world... to help fight off that 20%, to not let it grow up to 50%.  The best way to overcome fear is to face it.

As for your last question of whether I differentiate between nude or naked, I don't think I have ever thought about it.  So, at this time, I use the terms interchangeably.  But something tells me you might differentiate (seeing as how you asked the question).  If that's the case, then I'd love it if you (or any of you reading this) would comment on this response and explain it.  I think it'd be fascinating.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Mike in DC Asks: How do you feel about social nudity? Regular activities, just done naked.

How do you feel about social nudity? Regular activities, just done naked. DC has naked yoga, naked happy hour(s), naked spas (not those kind), and even nearby naked campgrounds. I like it because I feel like a lot of social barriers (which we have in abundance) break down when you are literally laid bare. But is it something you have tried/enjoy?
— Mike in DC

Hola Mike in DC,

Oh my gosh, have I not done a good enough job at showing my love of social nudity? *insert laughing emoji with tears*  If I have not, then let me say that social platonic nudity is MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD (aside from my partner and my dog).

Naked yoga, naked hiking, naked spas, and naked house parties are just some of the ways I have gotten to enjoy social nudism.  At one point, I even organized games of naked dodgeball (not as dangerous as it sounds), and naked water polo (or a dumbed down version of water polo).  I haven't done a naked happy hour though - at least not at a bar.  That would be a blast.

Nudism has been a really big blessing (I hate that word) in my life.  It is the root of what caused me to open up and live transparently.  The pure physical freedom eventually went to my brain and gave me the desire for pure emotional freedom.

And based off what you have written, I need to get my naked ass to DC ASAP.

Thanks for writing!

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

 

Brad C. Asks: how do you deal with uneducated people, the ones that want to shame you and run for being positive?

I just love your blog. I really enjoy how you live your life so authentically, owning who you are.

My question is how do you deal with uneducated people, the ones that want to shame you and run for being positive? I meet more guys than I can count that are down for having a “good time”, right up until I tell them my status.

Trying to educate them doesn’t seem to work, so what is the best way to handle this? Not disclosing isn’t an option.
— Brad C.

Hi Brad C.,

First of all, I love that you consider "not disclosing" as "not an option."  With so many poz guys being undetectable and so many negative guys being on PrEP, some folks don't consider it necessary to disclose anymore.  I have a theory that when we stop talking about things, miseducation and stigma prevails.

I am not on the apps these days, unfortunately I am too busy for it.  But yes, I did encounter those kinds of guys who would potentially run away.  And yes, I did have a method on how to approach it.  It was a two prong approach where I combined empathy with one powerful fact that would draw them into actually discussing it - giving me that opportunity to educate them.

Empathy is so important when having disjunctures with others.  I mean... haven't we all misunderstood something and therefore misjudged it?  And when we have done so, how would we have wanted others to talk to us about it?  So when someone shoots me down for my status, I start off with saying something like "I understand it sounds freaky," or "I understand why you feel hesitant" - something like that.

If you follow that up with TOO much education, then the person is most likely to check out and run.  That's why I do the "one big powerful fact."   Everyone may have a different opinion on what might be the best fact to pitch.  For me, I would follow up my empathy statement with something like: "But for your safety, just know that you are actually at a higher risk of contracting HIV by trying to avoid poz guys."

This usually bated most guys into the discussion.  Sometimes it didn't.  But it made me feel better knowing that I could implant that fact into their brain and hopefully change the trajectory of their sex practices.  

If they ran away before I could say anything, then I cope with it by reminding myself that if they were THIS uneducated (and too scared to get educated), then what's the chances that they are getting tested regularly and keeping others safe?  They could unknowingly be harboring STIs that could pass on to me.  Plus that kind of attitude isn't sexy to me.  They did me a favor by not letting me accidentally have sex with a douche bucket.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

 

Riley Asks: Have you ever been to a bath house and what was it like for you?

Have you ever been to a bath house and what was it like for you if so?
Can you just watch and do more of a “solo” rather than “mess” with other people if you don’t feel comfortable?
Regarding the last question, what was your first experience with a guy like?(Hope that’s ok to ask) I’m 22 and still a virgin and it feels like everyone had sex years ago and feel like I’m caught between social pressure/hormones and wanting to find someone I feel comfortable with and can take it slow and enjoy even the silly moments the come along with it. Definitely feel like I’m in between a rock and a hard place especially with all these dating apps and people are only on for what seems to be a hook up and not a genuine relationship :/. Would appreciate any advice :)
— Riley

Hi Riley,

Whew this is a lot of questions all in one.

First off, yes I have been to bath houses many times.  In the end, they aren't quite my thing.  That's not a judgmental statement as I do still occasionally go - maybe like once or twice a year.  For me, I like sex to brew naturally - either from sexual tension with a friend or spontaneously and unexpected.  To me, going to bath houses or hook up off apps often times feels forced.  It also feels like I am on a mission and if that mission fails then I am SUPER disappointed.

Most people in bath houses tend to go to private rooms rather than play out in the open.  But if they do play in the open, you can certainly watch.  I just recommend not trying to join in unless given an obvious signal to do so.  I have a bit of an exhibitionist side (shocker, I know) and I enjoy it when people watch.  But when they just decide to reach a hand in there without my consent, it's very frustrating.

So know that if you decide to go just have fun solo with yourself, at some point, someone may feel like it is an invitation when it really isn't.  Therefore it is a good idea to have something in mind - a blanket statement - that you can say if they try to randomly join in your fun.

As for my first experience with a guy, well that is an incredibly long story that I don't have time to tell here.  Also, I kind of would like to save it for a book chapter down the road.  This isn't me avoiding transparency.  It just isn't the right time or space for it.  But I will say that it was a spontaneous brief encounter in a public place and it was a wonderful experience for me.  I didn't know the guy and I never saw him again.  But I will always be grateful to him for providing my first experience which helped me ensure my attraction to men.

When it comes to your being a virgin, don't do anything if you aren't sure about it.  When having sex, your hormones change dramatically after it's done.  This post hormonal shift can contribute to feelings like guilt.  So chances are, if you weren't sure to begin with, chances are you might regret it being your first experience afterwards.

My best recommendation is to NOT do a hookup over the apps as your first experience.  App hookups are weird.  Like I said above, it can easily feel forced which, to me, isn't as fun if it comes naturally.  And frequently the person you meet isn't quite how you imagined them from the profile.  That can make the energy wonky too.

If you are using the apps, then use them to make a new friend - someone you can feel comfortable with and take it slow with and enjoy silly moments.  I don't think it necessarily means it has to be a boyfriend.  But let it be someone you appreciate and who appreciates you back.  My first time being a spontaneous adventure isn't the right route for everyone.  Based on how you phrased everything in your question, doing it this other way sounds like the right speed for you.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

 

Bill I Am Asks: how did our current generations come to find hiv as desirable like a membership to an exclusive club? Is this something you have seen?

Back in the 80’s and 90’s I was witnessing the slaughter of people through the Aids crisis. I was a young tween when I saw the first news article on 60 minutes. The intro stated “a new fatal disease striking gay men”. I watched what I could and of course was frightened to death. Here I was just barely dipping my toes into the waters of rainbow land when misinformation was smeared in my gullible face. I will admit that aids was a big reason why I stayed in the closet alot longer. Then as we know, druggies and hookers were thrown into our overflowing test tube as the cause of this horrible disease. Then as life went on, I started meeting people with hiv. Then came the time where I encountered men who touted their status as they would a medal. I, myself lost an Uncle to aids as well as a former love. I have some friends who are positive and I learned very fast that they do not want sympathy as if it is a death sentence. Simply because it no longer is.

After all of that being said, how has it become a percieved prize for non positive people to seek out and some positive people be willing to infect others? I myself found my path heading down the road of being “knocked up” or “pozzed” during some very rough years in my life. I don’t know if I had survivors guilt or what. But my question is, how did our current generations come to find hiv as desirable like a membership to an exclusive club? Is this something you have seen?
— Bill I Am

Hola Bill I Am!

I have indeed encountered a few "bug chasers" in my time and, with each one, it was very hard on me psychologically.  How can this person want the very thing that completely shattered my life? These requests often left me feeling hurt and confused.  But in my hunt for a more transparent and empathetic life, I set out and tried my best to understand it from their point of view.

Of course, the idea of intentionally seeking HIV infection has got to be something so utterly personal, that it's hard to throw blanket reasons over this minor trend.  I can only list a couple ideas that I've come to learn, but I can't cover all of it.  Therefore if any bug chasers read this, I would love it if they commented below to help others understand it even better.

I've often heard people chase because they feel it is an inevitable part of their journey - perhaps as a gay man and/or as someone who absolutely cannot do condoms.  So, they seek it out as a way to get it over with and also have some sense of control in the matter.  They feel they will already contract HIV at some point, so they might as well get to be the one to decide when, where, how and with whom they get infected.  This way they have some say rather than always wondering when it happened and who it happened with.

Another reason I've come to understand is that there is a strong sense of community or brotherhood behind being positive. Guys who have an internal desire to be a part of a very specific community might chase HIV in order to obtain that sense of community.  I have to admit, anytime I meet someone else who is positive, I do feel a unique connection with them as though we understand a little part of each other in a unique way.  It does feel communal.  So, for some, getting HIV can bridge that connection to community.

A third reason I've heard (and have been approached for) is more the "gifting" idea - a specific way to have someone special always be a part of you.  The person who approached me from this point of view again felt their diagnosis would be inevitable.  They also found the risquéness of it to be erotic - like the taboo of any fetish.  But in the end, they held me in a high regard and wanted to have a piece of me be with them for always.  And they wanted me to do this via passing on my virus to them.

Again, psychologically this wouldn't have been a great experience for me.  I would have also needed to gone off of my meds and let my suppressed virus come back.  That would put me at a small risk of my virus mutating to my medication.  So, in the end, I told them 'no.'  

Hope this provides a little insight

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Gymphobic Asks: What advice do you have for joining a gym?

I’ve managed to lose a considerable amount of weight without hitting the gym (change of diet and heaps of walking). But now I’m at the point where I want to build some muscle. So my question is: What advice do you have for joining a gym?
— Gymphobic

Dear Gymphobic,

Well first off, congrats on losing the weight.  That's incredible and should have you feeling like a total bad ass.  Harness that energy to move past your gym phobia so that you can hit the weights!  It's an exciting time!

So, whatever you do, do NOT join Planet Fitness.  They market themselves as a "safe gym" with a "judgment free zone" by shaming meatheads (Never understood how you can offer a judgment free zone by judging another group of people).  Because of their "safe" atmosphere, they actually hold you back from achieving much in the way of body building.  They mostly have machines and the free weights don't go very high in weight.

They also provide guests with free pizza and bagels: the two WORST foods for people trying to lose weight or gain muscle.  And it is like the blind leading the blind there.  If everyone there is being safe, then how you can learn from watching anyone else?  Besides (I say this all the time), who ever achieved greatness by playing it safe?

Alright, now that I have gotten that out of the way...

So first and foremost for those feeling intimidated by the gym, spend the extra money on an upscale gym.  I know this sounds weird, but you're not going to get a lot of intimidating meatheads at an upscale gym.  Meanwhile there will still be plenty of dedicated fitness folks to feel encouraged by.  Plus upscale gyms tend to not get AS crowded during primetime hours than at your standard run-of-the-mill gyms.  

Also. upscale gyms have nice amenities that make it feel rewarding to have a good workout (steam room, sauna, whirlpool, towel service, etc).  Shop multiple upscale gyms to see which one is right for you.  Most will give you a free pass.  

If you cannot afford an upscale gym, then pretty much any gym will do - chain or family.  Just make sure it isn't a specialty gym - like one that focus on boxing.  Though I've known people who have gone to boxing gyms and didn't box and still did what they needed to do.

I go to 24 Hour Fitness and it's not the best and it's not the worst.  But I'm still able to weightlift without any problems.  Yes, you will encounter more meatheads at a gym like this.  But truly, I promise you, they aren't judging you.  They don't care what you're doing.  They care more about what they look like in the mirror.  Trust me, I worked out with one for two years.

Again, when it comes to any gym... shop around.  Have them give you a free pass.  Some will even give you a free week.  While doing your free gym trials, focus more on the environment than your workout.  You can focus on your workout once you join.  For now, see if the energy is right for you.

When you do find your gym, feel free to come back and ask some tips on gaining muscle.  It's a very different beast than losing weight.  I've got your back, even if I have no idea who you are.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Big Country: I have been talking to someone over 3 months now and things are going good. But how can I take it to the next level with him?

I have been talking to someone over 3 months now and things are going good. But how can I take it to the next level with him? He cares for me so much and we are sync with each other. Need advice on this.
— Big Country

Hey Big Country,

This question is a little vague.  Have you literally JUST been talking (like chatting online)?  Or have you been hanging out in person for those three months?  "Taking it to the next level" can mean very different things in either scenario.  Either way, I think it is about finding the right balance of saying you'd like to move forward without moving at full speed ahead. 

For instance, if you've just been talking, don't suggest meeting up for an incredibly romantic date - no tunnels of love or any of that (do they even make those anymore?).  You can suggest a casual meet up for coffee.  Or if you want to be really impressive, try to think of something more original - a unique activity that can still lend itself to good conversation (think "Monster truck rally" or something).  

If you've been hanging out and want to be exclusive, don't necessarily tell them you'd like to be exclusive by telling them you are in love.  This doesn't mean you're avoiding transparency or vulnerability.  Actually, in order to be transparent, it's good to recognize the fact that these feelings of love are coming from all the Oxycontin and other butterfly chemicals that are flooding your body for this guy.  

Instead, I suggest saying something like this.  "So, I've really been enjoying spending time with you and where things have been going.  I can't speak for you, but, at this point, I'm not really interested in seeing anybody else. How are you feeling about things?"

Saying it this way definitely still conveys that you are super into the person.  But it's casual enough that it doesn't sound like you are ready to plan a wedding.  It also honors the fact that they may not be on the same page as you.  Then it invites them to open up about how they feel.  

You may not get the response you want so it is scary.  That's what still makes this a very vulnerable thing to do.  But if you'd like to move forward, then you must be proactive.  Nobody achieved anything great by being passive.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger 

Chip Asks: I'm guessing those close to you know you like to be bare-assed. How do they feel about that? Is it ever awkward? What's their reaction?

Hi Scott, first of all, feel free to edit this when you post it. It won’t hurt my feelings at all. You speak freely on your blog about being a nudist, so I’m guessing your friends and those close to you know you like to be bare-assed. How do they feel about that? Is it ever awkward for you or them? How did you tell them and what was their reaction? I know you don’t answer for Luke, but may I ask him if he’s a nudist as well. It’s fine if he/you choose not to answer. I love your blog Scott, thanks for sharing with us!
— Chip B.

Hi Chip,

First off, thanks for the blog love and for this super fun question.  Exploring nudism has been such a blessing (I hate that word but it's true) for me.  It has helped me grow and accept myself in many ways all while doing activity in a way that makes life feel vibrant and exciting.  

So, when I discovered nudism, I never really went in "the closet" about it.  I was so exhilarated by the experience that I told all of my friends right off the bat.  It was a "You'll never guess what I did..." kind of thing.  They didn't feel awkward so much as they felt fascinated.  Their eyes would grow like saucers in curiosity.  

I didn't tell my family that I was going to nude events, but a point came when I talked on Facebook about attending nude yoga classes and posing nude for art classes.  My family eventually caught on and teased me in a playful but affirming way (I've always been the rainbow sheep of the family so it didn't blow their minds too much).  

My mom is particularly funny.  Anytime we talk on the phone and I mention yoga, she asks "Is it naked yoga?" and then giggles.  While on a family vacation a couple years ago, we were on a beach and there was a joke sign that said "naked beach."  She said, "Scottie!  Go stand behind that sign so I can take a picture!"

I now talk so openly about my love for nudism, and all the positives it has done for me, that, in my city, I am known as "that naked guy."  I've built a reputation on it and I am proud of that.  I constantly invite people to go naked hiking with me.  Some take my offer.  Some don't.  But those who do are always glad they did.

For some of my friends (gay and straight), the amount of skin I show on Instagram had gotten to be too much.  They unfollowed me (some apologized for it), but it didn't bother me (too much).  It's all about respecting people's boundaries.  If they don't want to see my body, they shouldn't have to.  Meanwhile, I am honored by the friends (especially the straight friends) who continue to follow me on Instagram.

As for Luke, he is absolutely NOT a nudist.  He gave the naked recreation a fair shot sometime after we had met and decided it wasn't for him.  It's rare this happens.  But sometimes it will and that's okay.  I'm just proud of people who work up the courage to give it a try.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Michael Asks: My husband and I explored a 3some and now are looking into a triad relationship. Any advice?

My husband and I explored his fantasy of a 3some now since we both enjoyed the encounter we are looking into a triad relationship. We have a very stable 7yr relationship and rather than “play” randomly with various partners we want a regular stable partner....any advice, suggestions etc?
— Michael

Hi Michael,

Wait... I am a little confused.  Do you want a stable play buddy or an actual third person to create a full on polyamorous relationship?

If you're just looking for a steady play buddy, then my advice would be to find someone who makes you both feel equally attractive.  Threeways are great.  But the moment the couple feels like one person is getting more attention than the other, the whole thing can tank.  And that could happen.  So don't feel bad if it tanks.  The time has come to move on and find a different play buddy.  

I also recommend still using some form of protection - whether it be condoms or PrEP.  If your goal of having steady play buddy is to avoid STDs, you should still be realistic that your play buddy will have sex with others outside of you two.

Now... if you meant that you indeed want a full on relationship with a third person, well, that's a whole other ball game. I would say for justing having had your first threesome, slow down a bit.  Enjoy the new playful nature that you and your partner just discovered for your relationship.

In the end, I have never been in a triad so it's hard for me to know how to advise one.  But by observing several of my friends who have had triads, it seems like you'd receive the same advice for the standard dual couple... just x3.

To me, they cornerstones of a good relationship are communication and humility.  So for three people, you must communicate clearly in all directions.  And you must be able to have humility with more than one person in a magnitude of scenarios.  I imagine it is a lot of work.  But if you find the right guy, it could be worth it.

When I saw your question, I showed it to a good friend of mine who is currently in a triad.  He is dating this couple who has been together for 11 years (I think).  They call each other "husband."  My friend calls them his boyfriends.  And I am assuming they call him their boyfriend.  Anyway... where was I going?

OH YEAH! So I asked him what advice he'd give to you.  He said this: "Don't go looking for it.  If this is something you want, let it find you."  I knew what he meant as this is advice I often give to people when it comes to the standard norm of dating.  If you are on a mission for something, there is an increased chance that you could force something that isn't a good fit.  And I could see how this could be extra volatile when it comes to three people instead of just two.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

 

Sex Positive Asks: Being in an open relationship has been a blessing. Any advice on coping with envy?

Being in an open relationship has been a real blessing at this point in life. Any advice on coping with envy? (Distinctly different from jealousy.)
— Sex Positive

Hello Sex Positive,

Ah, finally... a question that doesn't require a whole book to answer (just one chapter).

I love that you specified envy vs jealousy.  Jealousy is the most common question that comes up when it comes to open relationships.  People don't often ask about envy.

Though "coping with envy" is a bit vague.  So, I am going to make an assumption (which I hate to do).  I'm assuming that you ask due to being envious of when your partner hooks up with someone that you wanted to hook up with, or that they get hit on more often than you.

My partner and I have experienced this a few times.  He and I are VERY different types so it's happened on both sides that someone we equally liked only pursued one of us.  

When my partner hooks up with someone I would have wanted to, I do feel a small smidge of envy (envy is measured in smidges in case you didn't know).  But this is what I keep in mind to combat that envy: the reason I am in a relationship is to enrich my partner's life, not for him to enrich mine.

I admit that my partner does a better job of this philosophy than I do (he enriches the fuck out of me).  Still, when it comes to him hooking up with someone that I wanted to, I keep this philosophy in mind and cheer him on, which then makes him feel extra sexy about it. Maybe I even give him a high five.  I want to use that envy to congratulate and be excited for him because seeing my partner happy is far better than any hook up.

I also might make him give me the details so I can live vicariously through his experience.  Part of the joy of being in an open relationship is getting to feel turned on by the idea of your partner being with someone else.  So, when he describes it to me, it's hot to imagine him with this guy that i lusted after too.

As for the times where he gets more attention than me, I cheer him on then as well.  And then I step back and think "Yup, I have a hot man."  When guys give him lots of attention, instead of feeling envious, it gets me excited to think how, at the end of the night, I get to be the one he spoons with.  It feels wonderful.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger