Chris Asks: Are you the jealous type?

Hey Chris,

Wow. Great question. The answer is yes and no. Allow me to explain.

Prior to experimenting with and understanding non-monogamy, I was an incredibly jealous person. And it not only took a toll on me, but also my relationships - both romantic and non-romantic (I’d get jealous of friends liking other people more than me too).

Jealousy is SUCH a weird thing. I once read someone describe it as “Jealousy is a bad way of showing you care.” I feel like this just scratches the surface of what it means to be jealous. Eventually I would discover that it has very little to do with the other person and primarily driven by our own insecurity.

The bottom line with jealousy is that NO good can come of it. It cannot manifest anything positive for a relationship at all. It is purely destructive, and drives people apart, and nothing more. It’s not an attractive feature (there’s a reason you never hear any single person say “Oh, I would just love to find someone who gets really jealous”). Jealousy is purely a negative emotion and you cannot achieve positive things with negative thinking.

When I came to these realizations, that jealousy was self-driven, off-putting, and totally destructive, I really explored how to overcome it. And to no surprise (I swear you guys are going to get sick of me saying shit like this), the way I overcame it was with self-love, self-compassion, and self-acceptance. When I feel good and confident, I have no reason to feel jealous.

Non-monogamy also taught me that when a partner is attracted to someone else, that sensation fills them up with joy. If I react with jealousy, it shits all over that joy. It will drive them further from me. If I act supportive, then he will feel loved and supported.

Of course, “not being jealous” is not a destination. It is a continuous journey. There are times when I fail, and mess up, and something nags at my jealousy bone. It is up to me, and solely me, to fix it. I have to work on reminding myself that I am both worthy and here to support my partner and friends that I care about. That is the best me I can be.


Bare InkSlinger