Wow! Thanks for noticing that on my FB page. I didn’t think much of anyone paid attention there. Yeah I skipped posting an essay on it during that time (but there had been one on the blog). I do not use Facebook much as it wants you to pay in order for it to show your posts to the audience who already follows you. It’s very frustrating. Also, it won’t even promote a lot of my stuff because it considers it “adult content” (even when the story doesn’t contain any nudity or sexual topics). So, that’s why I love it when folks subscribe to the blog. You’ll always get it (unless it goes into your junk box, then I’m just screwed).
Anyway, on to your second and more important question/statement. I actually commissioned my partner Luke to answer this one. He is a brilliant therapist who has worked with grief a lot and even experienced it first hand. Hope you find some solace in his beautiful words below.
Luke here, Scott's partner. First of all, many thanks to you for being so vulnerable. Loss is hard, grieving is hard, and it takes a lot of courage to say that out loud and ask questions about it. Our society does all it can to cover/mask or deny the reality of death and loss and I am always thankful for an honest approach such as yours. I am so sorry for your suffering right now, and at the same time I am thankful that you had a relationship with your mother that warrants that grief.
Grieving anybody in our lives can be complicated, but losing a parent definitely amplifies the experience and emotion. That being said, I want you to know that there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. There are many who will identify ‘the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance),’ and these certainly can be many common denominators for people, but the way we experience loss can vary greatly.
It's interesting that you say you have had various mourning periods, because I often think of grief as a tsunami…. It comes in, overwhelms our lives, and feels like all is lost. Then it recedes. But right when we are starting to feel some sense of normalcy, it returns; again taking us to our knees. This can happen repeatedly, but each time the waves become smaller and smaller until eventually we are no longer knocked down. But we are changed.
I would hope that in your mourning, you allow yourself to feel the sadness and loss, but that you are equally able to grow and strengthen all of the qualities and gifts you have gained from your mother. Also, know that you are not alone, and often telling stories, sharing pains, and hearing from others can be helpful. There are several grieving resources that could be helpful, if you are interested.
Please continue in your honest appraisal of your grief. The holidays can be especially hard, and it might be important to surround yourself not just with friends and family, but a grieving support system as well. And, if your pain continually impedes on your ability to work, has negative impacts on your relationships, or you start sensing depression, please seek further supports.
Be good to yourself this season.
Scott & Luke