Anonymous Asks: Have you ever hooked up with somebody based on their proximity to your phone?

Dear Anonymous,

Of course I have. What do you take me for? A sloth? (I am assuming sloths move too slow to hook up ever.)

But here’s the thing I need to admit: I never really enjoyed it. That’s why my time on the gay apps was fairly short-lived. I feel the same way about hookups as I do about eating dessert. If I am gonna do it, it needs to be worth it. And I found that I just didn’t have much chemistry with the few guys I linked up with over proximity.

I really like sex to feel sexy. And these quick hook ups on the apps never really felt sexy to me. It made the sex feel forced and as if I were doing errands. It would be like “Okay, I am gonna go to the gym and then I am gonna stop and pick up the dry cleaning. Then, I’ll mess around with this guy and then swing by the grocery store and then I’ll be home.”

I have no judgments about guys hooking up on apps. Probably 90% of the people I know do it and I couldn’t give two shakes. But, for me personally, this just doesn’t do it for me. That being said, I also don’t get laid a lot because of this.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Josh Asks: I have begun going back to college. I am 39. What are your thoughts on intergenerational romantic relationships?

Hi Josh,

Congrats on going back to college! That’s awesome! And yup, your new stomping grounds would certainly bring opportunity for intergenerational romance. Honestly, I don’t believe these kinds of relationships are better or worse than couples who are closer in age. It just brings on a different set of things to consider.

The tough thing about new relationships is that everything is so rainbows and unicorns. We often ignore the rougher habits of our new partner while simultaneously acting on our own best behavior. This makes it hard to see the pitfalls(?) you might face. How we come to acknowledge and approach these things sets the road ahead for success.

Think of it like a literal road that you’ve never been on. You can either take the time to create a map that estimates where all the potholes will be before you take the journey. Or you can just wing it once you start driving. This applies to all couples.

In my observation, the more a new couple excitedly has things in common, the more they tend to ignore the need for a road map and just hit the road without any fear of potholes at all. To me, this is where an intergenerational couple can have an advantage. You’re in a scenario where you KNOW you’re going to have differences. It can give you the awareness to be proactive about figuring those and creating your road map.

That’s what my partner and I did. We have 14 years between us and were already different people as it was. He’s an introverted home body and I’m an extroverted socializer. By discussing such things in the beginning, we learned how to float in and out of each other’s interests as well as letting each other do our own things without being clingy or needy about it. For this reason, our intergenerational relationship has thrived.

Each person in a couple has strength and weaknesses to bring to the table. Your age differences will certainly be a factor in those strengths and weaknesses. So, actually lay them out on the table and don’t let your ego get in the way.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Chris Asks: Are you the jealous type?

Hey Chris,

Wow. Great question. The answer is yes and no. Allow me to explain.

Prior to experimenting with and understanding non-monogamy, I was an incredibly jealous person. And it not only took a toll on me, but also my relationships - both romantic and non-romantic (I’d get jealous of friends liking other people more than me too).

Jealousy is SUCH a weird thing. I once read someone describe it as “Jealousy is a bad way of showing you care.” I feel like this just scratches the surface of what it means to be jealous. Eventually I would discover that it has very little to do with the other person and primarily driven by our own insecurity.

The bottom line with jealousy is that NO good can come of it. It cannot manifest anything positive for a relationship at all. It is purely destructive, and drives people apart, and nothing more. It’s not an attractive feature (there’s a reason you never hear any single person say “Oh, I would just love to find someone who gets really jealous”). Jealousy is purely a negative emotion and you cannot achieve positive things with negative thinking.

When I came to these realizations, that jealousy was self-driven, off-putting, and totally destructive, I really explored how to overcome it. And to no surprise (I swear you guys are going to get sick of me saying shit like this), the way I overcame it was with self-love, self-compassion, and self-acceptance. When I feel good and confident, I have no reason to feel jealous.

Non-monogamy also taught me that when a partner is attracted to someone else, that sensation fills them up with joy. If I react with jealousy, it shits all over that joy. It will drive them further from me. If I act supportive, then he will feel loved and supported.

Of course, “not being jealous” is not a destination. It is a continuous journey. There are times when I fail, and mess up, and something nags at my jealousy bone. It is up to me, and solely me, to fix it. I have to work on reminding myself that I am both worthy and here to support my partner and friends that I care about. That is the best me I can be.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

John Asks: What made you decide to write a blog?

Hey John,

It’s actually a funny story. I never, never, NEVER intended on being a blogger.

Back when I wrote for a local LGBT publication, I had wonderful editors who really nourished my writing and helped me better my craft. But I hated being limited in content, such as not being able to curse, and limited in word count (because I am one wordy motherfucker). By the time my last editor had cut my column down to 650 words, I knew it was time to retire.

I took some years off and knew I wanted to return to the world of writing, but wanted to do so in book form. This way I could write whatever I wanted as lengthy as I wanted. Not long after starting this journey, I met with a publisher who already knew my work and was interested. However, they said I probably wouldn’t go very far since nobody outside of my city knew who I was.

They suggested starting a blog in order to build an audience first. I hated this idea. I didn’t wanna do it. I had no interest in blogs. To me, blogs were blah. But I try to be open to the wisdom others provide and the path that the universe pushes me towards. So, I educated myself on the world of blogging and, with the help of some crafty talented friends, Bare InkSlinger was born.

It has now been two years with more than 50 posts! As it turns out, I love blogging. I love being able to connect with the audience through a digital medium. I wouldn’t be able to do that with books. Though, as everyone knows (because I can’t shut up about it), I still plan on writing books and the first will come out this spring. In the meantime, the blog will continue on.

Thanks for asking such a fun question!

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Robert Asks: I'm feeling as if I've lost my joy for everything. Did you ever feel that way, and how can I overcome this dark place?

In reading your blog, I’m impressed with how you transformed from living in fear to becoming the fearless man you are today. Recently, I’m feeling as if I’ve lost my joy for everything. Did you ever feel that way, and how can I overcome this dark place?
— Robert

Hi Robert,

Thank you so much for the kind words. I always try to make the distinction that I am still filled with tons of fear. I just try my best to not run away from it.

Sorry to hear about your loss of joy in life. I do very much know what this is like. Around 6 years ago, I fell into a horrible deep dark depression. I haven’t written much about it because it’d be better in a book rather than blog posts (though it won’t be in the upcoming book).

Doctors tried to heavily medicate me but it only made things worse (though currently I am on a medication that works really well). I had to figure out how to pull myself out of this and find my way back to joy. It was as if my brain somehow re-wired itself for darkness. I weened myself off the medications and asked my therapist to help me figure out how I could take to stop this awful negative thinking through practices. What she suggested absolutely helped.

First I am going to suggest a product but I want to emphasize that I have not been paid to endorse this product. I speak of this product as a testimonial to its success of when I used it. It’s going to sound a little strange. But it worked. And this product is a subliminal messaging program.

The philosophy behind it is that daily affirmations are not effective in healing the brain because when our brain consciously hears the affirmation, we can easily negatively reject it (even if we don’t mean to). With subliminal messaging, you listen to music and the affirmations are implanted into the music. Because you cannot actively hear the affirmations, your negative brain cannot hear them and refute them. The messages slip their way into the unconscious mind which will then receive the affirmations.

When we have a thought (or in this case when the brain interprets the message), it fires off a neural pathway. The more we can create these neural pathways, the more permanent they become in the brain and our positive thinking can slowly return. It’s interesting stuff and I swear it worked for me. I found joy in life again. The drawback is that it is a bit of a commitment.

The product I used was called “Positive Thinking” by Brain Sync. With this program, you get two audio tracks. One is an “anytime” track that you can listen in the background anywhere while you do something (I.e. driving, working, etc). The second one is the “headphones” track. Both tracks are about 30 minutes long. But with the headphones track, you have to put headphones in (obviously) and NOT do anything else. You sit back and close your eyes and absorb the music - basically meditation.

You have to do this EVERYDAY for six weeks for the program to be effective. So, like I said, it is a commitment. But there’s also something said if you cannot take a half hour a day for yourself to heal yourself (my therapist told me that). Again, this really worked for me - better than any pill I had taken.

Another thing that really worked for me was doing a gratitude journal. I’ve mentioned this several times before but it always warrants repeating. Before bed and after I wake up, I would list ten things I was grateful for (the same things can be repeated from entry to entry). At first it was tough coming up with ten things. But after doing it for a while, I would start to come up with like fifteen things. It became so easy and was such a lovely exercise. It helped me maintain thought of the things I love and that bring me joy in life.

Let me know if you try any of these methods. I’ll be curious as to if they help you as well. And if they don’t, then perhaps medications might be worth a try.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Dominick Asks: What are some of your go to albums, that aren’t mainstream, that people should give a spin?

Hey Dominick,

You just made me cream my pants with this question. If you’ve been subscribing to the newsletter, you’ve seen the “Music Video of the Week” result in some very non-mainstream stuff. I don’t hate mainstream stuff. I just think there are so many other artists doing so many other exciting and creative things.

I have given up on trying to show people new music because it’s obvious that my taste in music is a little “weird.” The stuff I like is still fairly poppy, it’s just not anything you’d hear from Top 40 artists. So if you love the top 40, the following will not be for you. If you are a bit more adventurous, then please continue. These are the top albums that have been in my rotation in the last decade:

  1. “Massseduction” by St. Vincent - St. Vincent is one of those artists who have just gotten progressively better with each album. “Massseduction” came out last year and it is still in the top album in my current rotation. This is true “art pop" perfection as it is incredibly fun and weird. It kicks off with a lovely textured ballad, slips into a speedy electro jingle about pills, and then moves into pop and dance tracks that are very addicting, but nothing predictable. There is such a variety of tracks on this album and yet ebbs and flows so perfectly well. Things get a little dark at the end but it’s a perfect way to leave the listener wanting more. If you want more St. Vincent, I recommend working backwards through the albums. Earlier albums tend to sound like Disney Princess music on acid (which I also really appreciated). Check out video “Los Ageless

  2. “Not Your Kind of People” by Garbage - Anyone who knows me knows that Garbage is my all time favorite band. Their multi-genre infused rock sound revolutionized my taste in music. And their 2012 comeback album “Not Your Kind of People” really demonstrated how they set themselves apart from other rock artists. The lead single “Blood For Poppies” is like a Frankenstein song of five other tracks - mixed with heavy guitar riffs into an upbeat poppy chorus, and funky lyrical structure for the verses. This sense the tone for the variety of tracks you will get on the album. Check out song “Blood For Poppies

  3. “Master of My Make Believe” by Santigold - I love everything Santigold does. And it’s almost impossible to describe her music. There’s a heavy influence from other black genres such as African tribal sounds, Jamaican dance hall, and even a little rap (just a little). Yet she ties it up in a bow of electronica filled with synths and percussion that sound wildly original and fun. The album “Master of My Make Believe” is, to me, her best work. Every track is consistently phenomenal through out. Check out song “GO!

  4. “Amen & Goodbye” by Yeasayer - New York based Yeasayer consist of three guys who create this alt-rock-pop hybrid that is artsy but cool at the same time. Like St. Vincent, their album just got progressively better over time. Their last one “Amen & Goodbye” had the most perfect ebb and flow of any album I have ever heard. It’s weird and creative and fun and addicting. And I fear it will be their last. Their previous album “Fragrant World” is also one of my tops. Check out video "I Am Chemistry”

  5. “The Family Jewels” by Marina and The Diamonds - Marina Diamante is actually a one woman pop artist. There are no diamonds. On the surface, this is straight up PURE pop music. But if you listen to the phenomenal lyrics, you discover that there is something super dark here. To me, it speaks painfully of mental illness. Yet it is so funny and boppy and danceable. This weird dichotomy has gotten Marina a myriad of fans, but alas didn’t allow her top 40 success. So, she remains a cult pop treasure. Check out video “Mowgli’s Road”

  6. “Plunge” by Fever Ray - Fever Ray is true musical experimentation at its finest. If you want weird, THIS IS WEIRD. Her last album Plunge was far different than her first self titled album and many fans were unhappy about this. But to me, it showed an excited side of her that we haven’t seen before. The album is split between upbeatly frustrated or sexual synth driven tracks and more lovely downtempo electro ballads filled with incredible textures. The split between the two does cause for a disjointed sound that turned off listeners as well. But I enjoyed that we got to see multiple sides of this incredibly artistic electronic musician. Check out song “Wanna Sip”

  7. “Fever Ray” by Fever Ray - Okay, I am a big Fever Ray fan so I recommend both albums. This was the debut album which actually won the award for best electronic album at the Swedish music awards. Unlike the second album, the entire thing is downtempo. But it does it in a way that no other artist has. The songs are eerily dark but curiously beautiful. There’s lots of vocal tweaking that at times make it sound like you are listening to a ghost. Check out video “Triangle Walks”

  8. “Doom Abuse” by The Faint - Omaha based band The Faint blends rock and dance in a way that often feels super inspired by 80s new wave. It’s loud and brash but fun with wicked lyrical arrangements. Their top albums are “Danse Macabre” and “Wet From Birth.” Their last album “Doom Abuse” offered up more of a “garage rock” sound mixed in with some spastically dance dance tracks. It’s wild and is not for those who don’t like rock music. Check out video “Help In The Head”

  9. “Daughter in the Choir” & “Make A Shadow” by Meg Myers - Meg Myers recently came out with her second album “Take Me To The Disco” and it is excellent. She does a great blend of angry alternative rock and pop melodies that totally get stuck in your head. But when it comes to Meg, my favorites will always be here two earlier EPs known as “Daughter in the Choir” and “Make A Shadow.” Together, they make a full sized album and feature some of her most interesting work. Check out videos Curbstomp, Desire, and Go. “

  10. “Backspace Unwind” by Lamb - Lamb is one of those bands that I’ve been with since their beginning. At first they got known for blending downtempo music with drum and bass which was a unique sound. The second album even brought in some blues/jazz elements which paired with the lead vocalists’ raspy vocals so nicely. After that, things got a lot softer and a lot sweeter and it spoke to my soul in ways other artists couldn’t. Like Garbage, they got fed up with record labels and quite only to then come back years later independently with incredible new music. Their last album “Backspace Unwind” had them experimenting with more traditional dance beats which turn out excellent. And it still provided some lovely melodic ballad tracks that are like poetry for the heart. Check out song “We Fall In Love.

Here are artist that have too many good albums to mention: Goldfrapp (pop or downtempo - depends the album), Peaches, Amanda Palmer (and also her earlier band “The Dresden Dolls”), Garbage (of course), The Knife (Fever Ray’s original band), and Bjork.

Other weird artists include: Brazilian girls, The Presets, Royksopp, LCD Soundsystem, Chicks on Speed, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, ADULT., and jeepers so many more.

Hope you find something you like.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Matt R. Asks: Do you believe in New Year resolutions? If so, can you share some of your past ones?

Hi Matt,

I think resolutions can be good. It’s a great way to set goals for ourselves. But it’s only great if we really take them seriously. If people are only making resolutions just for the sake of making them…then, eh, best of luck.

If people are really wanting to make resolution from something lacking in their life, then it has to be an active process and not a passive one. Making change for ourselves is not easy. So, by all means, yes, make resolutions. But if you are not making a game plan to do it with in the first couple of weeks, then the likelihood of success is nil.

I can’t remember my past resolutions. If I didn’t have an idea for them, then I wouldn’t make any. But for this year, I have made three resolutions. Here they are and my game plan for them.

  1. Have a social life again. This last year was really lonely for me. I worked really hard and I traveled a lot which didn’t leave me much time for friends locally. I also lost a good friend over the last year (it might be the next blog post). But my game plan is to do a better job connecting with locals that I know. I need to reach out to these folks on a regular basis. Find local events and invite them to join. Or just go to a dinner.

  2. Fixing my posture. I’ve always had bad posture and it makes me really self-conscious. I think I am more prone to it because I have an extended sternum which could contribute to pulling my chest muscles forward. No doubt being on my phone all the time makes it worse. My game plan is to pursue both chiropractic and physical therapy to correct this. I might get one of those monitors you stick on your back and it alerts you when you slouch. But they’re pricey. I did already buy one of those braces that pull your shoulders back, but I’m not loving it.

  3. Publish my book. Getting this book done and in the hands of you all was my goal for 2018. I didn’t make it happen. Writing a book is such a hard journey - especially while managing a blog and finding ways to stream in income. But I am in a good place with this project. I have a shit ton more to do on it, so it will take time and lots of hard-work still. But my game plan is to buckle down on the editing and get three chapters edited a week (there will be 18 or 19 chapters - depending if I cut one). Hopefully my amazing volunteer editors can keep, up but we shall see.

If anyone else wants to share their ideas for their New Year’s resolutions, feel free to comment below! Maybe we can help each other develop game plans.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Juan Asks: Are we definitely a shallow community? Or have I built a wrong mindset or ideal about body image on our community?

I have been struggling with accepting my body for a long time. I’m a short and slim body type guy, people always ask me if I’m eating enough or if I’m feeling well. I have normal eating habits and do exercise. At the same time, I feel that our gay community focuses on your body type and apperience. I feel out of place in our gay community. I’m not strong or gym body type, don’t have a bubbly butt or a big dick. Have I built a wrong mindset or ideal about body image on our community? Or are we definitely a shallow community?
— Juan

Hey Juan,

In my quest to defeat my own body dysmorphia, this is a question I have given A LOT of thought.  In my most honest, honest, honest, most honest, objective opinion possible, my answer is ‘no,’ I do not think we are a shallow community. 

I do think there are some human beings who are very shallow.  And being shallow is not about gender or sexual orientation or race or any of it.  Being shallow is a human trait, not a gay trait.  Now, that being said, I also have to honor the fact that we, as gay men, can experience it a little more.

I totally believe that we do have the whole ‘peter pan’ syndrome thing.  We don’t have the same social expectations as straight men to settle down, get married, and have kids.  Thus, we get to have a more youthful approach to life for way longer (and for some guys…always).

This is a double edged sword.  I love that we get to have fun adventures and enjoy the more entertaining side of life.  But with youth comes immaturity.  And with immaturity comes some silly things like vanity and superficial focuses.  So, yes, there could definitely be more people behaving shallow in our community.

But here’s why I do NOT think we are a shallow community.  Those shallow people?  They are the minority.  They are a small fraction of our community.  The majority of us are normal people with normal bodies and normal insecurities who aren’t jerks. So why does the shallowness feel so overwhelming?

I think  the first part of it is due to marketing, Hollywood, and pornography.  It’s the same things that make women feel self-conscious.  Society at large is mirroring images of ‘perfect bodies.’ And because we do have a fascination with it (being that we don’t encounter such bodies often in daily lives), the marketing/Hollywood/pornography uses it as an easy way to get our attention.

And by continually seeing this, we start to personalize the fact that our bodies are not that way.  It tricks our brain into thinking a muscle body is the norm rather than the normal body.  Combine that with those  few shallow assholes on the gay apps, and suddenly we feel as this is all that our gay community is about.  But I think these are just mind-fucks that we internalize.   

I truly, whole-heartedly believe that if we want to heal our body-image-issues, we have to start with our own psychology and learn how to move beyond all of this.  Because here is a bigger issue: the more we label our community as “shallow,” the more we are stigmatizing our own community in yet another way.  We end up doing just as much damage as we think those shallow folks are doing to us.

Also, we cannot heal ourselves this way: pointing fingers at those who are behaving badly.  We won’t be able to change them ever, but we can change ourselves and our outlook and even our own bodies if we want to.

We also cannot create positive change for ourselves through negative energy (and calling  others ‘shallow’ is certainly negative).  Blaming others who make us feel shitty is WAY easier than working on ourselves, but it also still leaves us feeling shitty.

And here’s one last thing that people REALLY need to know: all those shallow guys who have muscle bodies?  They are hurting deep inside just like the rest of us.  Trust me on this one.  A confident person doesn’t need to put others down. And a confident person definitely doesn’t need to jab a needle full of black market chemicals in their ass just so they can have muscles.

So, when that guy is a dick to you on Grindr, remember… that is only one person, not everyone.  And feel sorry for him! Happy people don’t need to be shitty to others.  They are obviously miserable in their own lives (remember those black market chemicals).

Know in your heart that you are better than him (assuming you do not do the same to others).  And the more you love your body, the more others will love it too.  The more you hate it, the more others will sense that too.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

 

Gary Asks: I am wondering how you came about this site and your blog.

Hi Gary,

This blog was not my plan for being a writer. But I regret not having done it sooner. Originally, all I wanted to do was write books. But then a publisher said that a blog would build a bigger audience so that I would have a better chance at selling books. This was brilliant advice that I wanted to shove in the trash.

I started the blog anyway and it has completely derailed my ability to finish writing my first book (it’ll finally come out in the spring). But honestly, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wrote for many years for other publications and I hated having limited word count and also that I had to watch my dirty fuckin mouth.

I wanted to do something totally independent so that I could create whatever I wanted as a writer. As much as I wanted to do that with books (and still will), creating this blog has really given me that space. I didn’t set out to be a blogger, but I am so happy I am now. I thank that publisher for giving me the advice to create one. Ironically, now that I have done all this myself (along with a team of rag tag genius friends), I don’t feel the need to have a publisher. So, yay!

Thanks for the thoughtful question. Hopefully that’s what you meant.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Hani Asks: When you love someone, how do you show him you love him without scaring him away?

Hey Hani,

Without knowing your exact situation, it’s hard to say. Is this a friend who you have fallen in love with? Or is it someone you are newly dating?

In either case, when it comes to love, the trick is to balance your emotional heart with your rational mind. Letting our feelings dictate our actions is always highly risky and oftentimes doesn’t work out the way we fantasize. This is not always a bad thing as long as you can sit back and reflect on what rational thinking you may not have taken into account and use it as a learning lesson for the future.

If this is a scenario with a friend, then I would say to tell him rather than “show” him. Don’t be passive about it as that might make the situation more confusing for the both of you. He may not understand what all the gestures mean and the miscommunication might leave you frustrated. The word “love” can be very strong, so it might be wise to say that you care about him more than a friend. If you don’t get the response you want, use the experience to learn and grow.

If this is a scenario with someone you are newly dating, then “showing” love with gestures would be more appropriate. But again, don’t let your heart take you too far down the rabbit hole. Put yourself into his shoes and do only things that you’d feel comfortable with someone doing for you. Again, don’t make the goal to confess love, but more so make it a “deep sense of caring” that you'd like to take further.

Best of luck,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Bill Asks: I lost my Mom Oct 22nd. I've gone through various mourning periods but I don't feel like it is over. In fact, I'm afraid of it ending.

I noticed your fb page hasn’t had anything since Oct 30th. Is that still being used?

Lastly, I lost my Mom Oct 22nd. I’ve gone through various mourning periods but I don’t feel like it is over. In fact, I’m afraid of it ending, because then that means I’m over losing her. I don’t want that.

Not sure if these are questions or just sharing.
— Bill

Hello Bill,

Wow! Thanks for noticing that on my FB page. I didn’t think much of anyone paid attention there. Yeah I skipped posting an essay on it during that time (but there had been one on the blog). I do not use Facebook much as it wants you to pay in order for it to show your posts to the audience who already follows you. It’s very frustrating. Also, it won’t even promote a lot of my stuff because it considers it “adult content” (even when the story doesn’t contain any nudity or sexual topics). So, that’s why I love it when folks subscribe to the blog. You’ll always get it (unless it goes into your junk box, then I’m just screwed).

Anyway, on to your second and more important question/statement. I actually commissioned my partner Luke to answer this one. He is a brilliant therapist who has worked with grief a lot and even experienced it first hand. Hope you find some solace in his beautiful words below.

______________________

Hi Bill,

Luke here, Scott's partner. First of all, many thanks to you for being so vulnerable.  Loss is hard, grieving is hard, and it takes a lot of courage to say that out loud and ask questions about it. Our society does all it can to cover/mask or deny the reality of death and loss and I am always thankful for an honest approach such as yours.  I am so sorry for your suffering right now, and at the same time I am thankful that you had a relationship with your mother that warrants that grief.

Grieving anybody in our lives can be complicated, but losing a parent definitely amplifies the experience and emotion. That being said, I want you to know that there is no ‘right’ way to grieve. There are many who will identify ‘the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance),’ and these certainly can be many common denominators for people, but the way we experience loss can vary greatly.

It's interesting that you say you have had various mourning periods, because I often think of grief as a tsunami…. It comes in, overwhelms our lives, and feels like all is lost. Then it recedes. But right when we are starting to feel some sense of normalcy, it returns; again taking us to our knees. This can happen repeatedly, but each time the waves become smaller and smaller until eventually we are no longer knocked down. But we are changed.

I would hope that in your mourning, you allow yourself to feel the sadness and loss, but that you are equally able to grow and strengthen all of the qualities and gifts you have gained from your mother.   Also, know that you are not alone, and often telling stories, sharing pains, and hearing from others can be helpful. There are several grieving resources that could be helpful, if you are interested.

Please continue in your honest appraisal of your grief. The holidays can be especially hard, and it might be important to surround yourself not just with friends and family, but a grieving support system as well. And, if your pain continually impedes on your ability to work, has negative impacts on your relationships, or you start sensing depression, please seek further supports.

Be good to yourself this season.

https://www.griefshare.org/findagroup

https://sparkoflife.org/

https://www.promises.com/therapies/grief-counseling/

Sincerely,

Scott & Luke

John Asks: How do you find love?

Hi Scott, my name is John. I’m 24 years old living in Georgia with a couple of questions to ask. For right know I’m just going to do a really simple one, love. I now love isn’t a simple question to ask but here goes nothing. My question for you is how do you find love? I want to find a guy to be with but I have no idea how. I fear the idea of going online to a site or join one of those hookup apps. I’m not a very confident person because of my body and personality, also I’ve never had a boyfriend or a real crush with anyone. I just don’t know what to do, any advice would be appreciated
— John

Hola John,

That is a tough one to answer as we are all different in what we want and how we pursue it. I am sure you’re tired of the predictable response of “You’re young! You have so much time!” Blah blah.

Here is what I have come to know about those who are in high search for love: a watched pot never boils. The harder you search for it, the harder it is to find it. I believe there is wisdom in being happy with where you are in this moment. Pursue it as it comes up, but don’t force it. In the meantime, enjoy being single and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

I highly recommending growing your confidence. Since you mentioned that, it’s important to address it. People have different types they go for, but the ONE thing that is universally sexy is confidence. The way you feel about yourself sends a message as to how others should feel about you. If you don't believe in yourself, guys will sense that energy and also not believe in you. But if you believe you are worthy and like who you are, then guys will most likely see you as worthy and like you as well. Confidence is key. If you don’t have it, work on it.

Another important key to finding love is to let go of what you think you want. A lot of the things we look for in a mate are more superficial than we realize: good looking, good job, similar interests, makes us laugh… a lot of that doesn’t help sustain a good relationship as much as we think. Be sure to look for the more humanistic qualities such as kindness, compassionate, understanding, communicative, empathetic. Without these, love is not as lovely as it sounds.

And one last thing, I have come to see that when people are desperately looking for love, they often times end up in bad relationships. This is not how it always happens of course. But often times, when we want something bad enough, we will go with the first thing that marginally fits the bill. Thus, we can end up with guys who were never that great of a fit to begin with. The honeymoon period can fool us easily. Have open eyes just as much as an open heart.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Anonymous Asks: How did you and Luke meet? Did the status affect the relationship dynamics?

How did you and Luke meet? Did the status affect the relationship dynamics? If so, how did you guys manage to navigate that? Sorry if these all have been answered before.
— Anonymous

Hey there Anonymous!

Never worry if a question has been asked. Oddly enough, in my two years of blogging, it has rarely happened.

The story of Luke and I getting together is so incredibly bizarre and complicated, that it could warrant a whole chapter in a book… which I plan to do in my second book (which should hopefully go faster than my first book). Here is the mini version:

I had not yet been diagnosed with HIV when he and I met at the beginning of summer. We went on a date and immediately wrote each other off. Luke thought I was too wild and I thought he was too reserved. But we liked each other enough to remain friends (which of course meant friends with benefits). Over the summer, we came to really appreciate a lot of the things we saw in each other.

Then in September, I got my diagnosis. It completely shattered me. Even though he was scared and didn’t understand it, he didn’t run away or make it about himself. Luke was the most kind and giving and caring person in the world . He gave me far more hope than any of my friends did (who were so freaked out they could hardly talk about it). I realized that I would be incredibly lucky to end up with a man like him. And in all of my brokenness, he somehow saw someone he would want to be with as well. In the midst of my crisis, we fell in love.

Then shit just got weird from there (CLIFFHANGER!).

Eleven years later, I still love him so much and truly can’t imagine myself with anyone else. This is why I constantly give the dating advice of: date who you don’t think you’d want. Luke was not the guy I imagined myself with and I couldn’t be more grateful that it worked out this way.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Anonymous Asks: Are you currently in a relationship? If so, what's one piece of advice you would give for a good relationship?

Hi Anonymous,

It’s funny that you ask that because I feel like I talk about my relationship with my partner, Luke, on here constantly. But hey, maybe you only read one blog post that didn’t involve him. No worries. But, yes, Luke and I have been together for over 11 years now and I couldn’t be more thankful for it.

This relationship has taught me more about what makes for a good relationship above any other I’ve had (including family, friends, etc). It’s hard to give just ONE piece of advice. There are lots of advices I’d give. But if I could only give one, it would be this:

HAVE HUMILITY. It sounds simple but it is incredibly tough. As humans, we don’t like being the one who is wrong or having made a mistake. It makes us feel bad and so we try to avoid it via defending ourselves. But proving yourself right is not what will fix the situation. Listening to your partner and owning your shit will.

Luke and I had a friend who was a handsome and VERY intelligent man who made a great living. The thing he wanted more than anything was a good relationship. But anytime he got serious with a guy, it usually ended in a year or less (even though he was so great on paper). I have no doubt that it was due to this friend NEVER being able to be wrong. If you even remotely disagreed with him, he’d debate you to the death of it. Bottom line: people don’t want to be with people who can’t be wrong.

When I think about relationship, I think about the phrase “To error is human.” If being human means to fuck up, then relationship means being two people who will fuck up together. So it’s okay to be wrong. When you have humility, your partner feels validated, loved and honored. When they have humility with you, you will understand and appreciate this incredible component of a healthy relationship.

Okay… one last piece of advice (just for fun): that whole “never go to bed angry” thing is the WORST piece of advice for relationships!!!! Anytime someone tells you this, slap them… hard! When a fight gets heated, we get stuck in an emotional state of mind which then stops our ability to have any sense of rational thinking (which is necessary to solve problems). Plus, as we stay up late, we get tired which can make us even more cranky on top of that emotional state of mind.

The best thing to do is sleep on it. Resting can help bring back that rational state of mind by giving you time to calm down and reflect on what has been said and done. So, go to bed, give yourself more time if you need, and come back to the table when you (you guessed it) can your own shit.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Jay Asks: My password is not working. Do u have it?

Dear Jay,

Why am I answering this on the Q&A? Because Q&A is anonymous and this has happened a few times. If you are asking me something like this, I do not have an email for you to write back. So for questions like these, feel free to email me at scott@bareinkslinger.com or you can just go to the contact section of the website.

Now, on to this password business. My blog is not as advanced as it looks. People do not have individual passwords to access it. Instead there is one password we all use like a family. Sometimes I find this better because we are expected to make up these crazy passwords for so many different websites that it gets pretty bonkers.

For that reason, I have made this community password the most painstakingly easy password I could possibly think of. Most readers remember it. Some don’t. I probably wouldn’t myself. I have the memory of a goat these days. So I am not bothered if people forget it.

Anytime there is an NSFW post, there is a password reminder in the following week’s newsletter that corresponds with that blog post. If you aren’t sure and don’t want to wait for the newsletter (your impatience is flattering I assure you), then feel free to email and I’ll give ya a reminder.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Josh Asks: Do you have any guidance to give to someone who wants to start lifting?

I am wondering if you have any guidance to give to someone who wants to start lifting? You have a great body, and I’d like to look as good!
— Josh

Hey Josh,

First of all thank you.  I do have lots of guidance I can offer people.  The tough part is how I can offer it in just one post.  There’s a reason people write entire books, have entire websites, or devote entire blogs to this stuff.  So, here I can give some quick insights to give you an idea of what to expect and keep in mind in order to start this journey.

  1. Figure out a goal. A common mistake is that people simply approach it with “I wanna be fit.”  It doesn’t quite work like that.  Typically, the human body cannot simultaneously build muscle and burn fat at the same time.  These two aspects require different approaches.  So, pick one to start.  I always suggest building muscle first because fat burns more in the presence of muscle.

  2. Research the hell out of it.  When I started getting into fitness, I spent hours upon hours reading stuff online about it (exercises, routines, nutrition, theories, etc).  Nowadays, there’s SO MUCH info out there that googling it can be like taking a sip of water from a fire hose.  But the more you research, the more well-rounded view you will get of proper weight lifting.  Also, by doing this research yourself, you are further investing yourself on this journey.  That’s where something like personal training can hinder you - the trainer is doing the guess work for you.  The more you learn on your own, the more committed you will be.

  3. Figure out a game plan.  Based on what you have researched, figure out a lifting schedule (ie. how many days a week you will be lifting and which body parts and exercises you will be doing on each day).  One of the top reasons people fail in the gym is because they don’t have any plan when they walk in the door.  If you have done the research and still haven’t figured out some kind of routine, then there are many websites that offer routines that you can follow (mostly for sale).  Back when I started, I read two books called “From Scrawny To Brawny” and “Gaining Mass.”  These helped me a lot.  Since books are a thing of the past, I think these have become website subscription programs. I have also heard good things about Jim Stoppani programs. He has one for beginners but you have to pay. Also, be cautious that a big part of his marketing is supplements. We will get to that in a sec.

  4. Lift to failure. Once you’re in the door and doing your game plan or program, be sure to “lift to failure.”  This means that, in each set of each exercise, you should lift the weight until you absolutely cannot lift it a single time more.  Lots of people just lift until they tire out - mistaking it for failure.  But this does not properly fatigue the muscle.  So make sure you truly struggle on that last rep.  If you are able to get more than 12 reps in a set, the time has come to increase the weight (I generally lift heavy enough to fail by the 8th rep - give or take 2 reps).

  5. Nutrition nutrition nutrition. Enough can’t be said for nutrition. Again, it takes a lot of research. Here is what I find to be the most important part. Unlike dieting to lose weight, you need to eat MORE calories in order to gain muscle. For instance, I eat about 3,000 calories a day just to maintain my current mass. Each person is different though. So I say start here and tweak it based on the results you see after a few months. Also, this has to be calories from healthy food. You can’t just start eating cake all the time. ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT: you need to aim to eat 1-2g protein per lb of body weight per day. I weigh about 165lbs and aim to get at least 300g of protein a day. In addition to this, eat lots of fruits and veggies for the micro nutrients. 

  6. Eating schedule. Eating that much protein sounds tough but it’s easy when you break these meals down to six meals per day eating approx every 2-3 hours. Great protein sources include chicken breast, tuna, eggs, non-fat Greek yoghurt, etc. Start reading labels and you’ll figure out your staples. If you are the kind of person who gets sick of eating the same thing every day, this will be tough for you. With the exception of one meal (the awesome dinner my partner cooks), I eat the same things each day because I know it works for me. Put these meals on a schedule. For me, I do a breakfast, a lunch (then go workout 1-2 hours after), a post workout shake, a post workout meal (one hour after the shake), dinner, and a bedtime meal. This is just my version. There are lots of ways to do this.

  7. Supplements. When eager to get in shape, it’s easy to go crazy with supplements and load up on pre-workouts and creatine and all sorts of stuff. These can be useful, but aren’t necessarily necessary. Lots of online sites will try to market weightlifting supplements that promise wild results. They usually come with hefty price tag. For instance, that Jim Stoppani guy sells a line called Jym Supplement Science. If what he says about his protein product is true, it could be wonderful. Or it could be crap. The FDA doesn’t have any regulation on these so there isn’t always a lot of transparency on these products. The marketing is so good that it’s easy to get excited and throw down money on it. I did this a lot when I first started but found that they never made much of a difference in my workout.

    All I use is a quality whey protein product (I like the brand Gold Standard) and DIM (DIM is an estrogen suppressor and is only necessary for men over the age of 30). That’s it. I don’t mess with pre-workouts or creatine or any of that. I’m a hippie and opt for whole body wellness. So, I avoid artificial flavors, colors, and sugars which tends to come with those kinds of supplements. If I need a little more energy for a workout, I might drink some coffee beforehand. If you don’t care about such things and don’t mind dropping the money, then you can experiment with those other kinds of supplements.

    IMPORTANT: when it comes to whey protein, it is okay to get up to 50% of your daily protein intake from whey. I use it in my smoothie in the morning, in my post workout, and in bed time snack (though casein protein would be better for this as it digests slower). If you start using whey more than that, it can upset your tummy.  

  8. Post workout. After your workout your body is fatigued and is in a catabolic state. You have a 20 minute window to nourish it. Use 40-50g of whey protein for this (don’t premix it before the gym as once you add water, it’s only good for about 10 minutes). If you want to go the extra mile, you can also drink a post workout sugar before the protein. This will spike your insulin which will aid in absorbing the protein better. Again, I am a hippie so for my post workout sugar, I prepare a drink with one lemon, one lime, 1-2tbsp of agave nectar and water and ice. I also add dulse flakes (a form of seaweed) for bonus nutrients. It actually tastes really delicious. If someone wants to lose weight, I would avoid this step. Otherwise it works for me.

  9. Get lots of rest. Your muscles don’t grow in the gym, they grows while you are resting. Getting lots of good sleep really helps your muscle utilize the energy it needs to rebuild itself and come back stronger. Going out and partying a lot will put additional stress on the body that will prevent the muscle from getting the energy it needs for regrowth. Try your best to get nine hours of sleep each night and don’t have more than 2 - 3 alcoholic drinks a week. 

  10. Monitoring and Patience. Before you begin, take your measurements (waist, chest, shoulders, arms). There are youtube videos on how to do this. Also take lots of photos. In three months, do it all again. BE PATIENT! This kind of thing takes time. So if you aren’t ripped in those three months, don’t freak out. In fact, in those first three months you shouldn’t make too much progress because it will mostly be about getting your bearings and getting into the groove. So it might take even up to six months. If you aren’t seeing any results by then, then something is wrong and you’ll need to go back to the drawing board (which is why doing all that research is so helpful).

Whew! See why this is tough to explain in such little time? But this info should give you an idea of what to expect and where to go from here. Best of luck on your fitness journey.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Big Country Asks: How do you ask a business to sponsor you for a contest? And would you let novice photographers take pictures of you?

Hi Big Country,

For the first question… hell if I know. I am so not a business man. But I will have to learn soon because, in order for the blog to survive, I will have to eventually get sponsors. From what I have tried to learn, it seems very daunting.

I am sure it is different for someone who wants to get sponsored for a contest and might be a little more simpler in your case. Here’s my advice: pick one of the companies you’d want to get sponsored by. Call them up and say something like “I was curious if your company does any sponsorships for [xyz] type of contests.” If they say no, move on to the next company. If they say yes, then say, “Great. I am new to asking for this kind of sponsorship. Who can I talk to or what do I need to do in order to get the ball rolling?” I would imagine they’d help guide you from there.

It’s okay if you feel nervous about doing this. Remember, getting out of your comfort zone is what helps us grow and learn new things. “Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.”

As for your second question, yes, I am absolutely happy to pose for novice or aspiring photographers. But I do charge for this. That might sound off-putting. But for a blogger who has no current revenue for his work (basically giving it all away for free), this is the kind of thing I need to do in order to keep this blog afloat and not bankrupt myself. If you are interested, please message me privately.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

RJS Asks: Why is it so hard to locate a group that enjoys men doing what every man enjoys?

Why is it so hard to locate a group that enjoys men doing what every man enjoys, masturbating? Other cities have several groups where men from all walks just enjoy sitting around, comparing with others and enjoying a good game of edging. Why does Denver not see the value of such gathering?
— RJS

Dear RJS,

With Craigslist eliminating the personals section, and with the stigma of sexuality making it difficult to discuss such groups publicly, this gets tricky. But just because you haven’t found it does not mean it doesn’t exist. I have seen such groups pop up in Denver, though I don’t know how long they last or whether they are still around.

If you want to find such groups, you are going to have be more transparent and start asking around about it openly. If your shyness prevents you from talking about it, then you will never find the community your searching for (if it currently exists).

But here’s the thing I learned about community several years ago. Whether you want a social networking group for LGBT professionals or a group where you can just sit around jerkin’ it, community is a DIY project.

By this I mean you can either sit idly by - wishing it would happen, or you can get off your butt and create it yourself. If you want something bad enough, you will put the work into it. And if you build it, they will come (pun intended).

So, start up a secret facebook group. Get the word out. And see what comes of it (argh, more puns!).

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Anonymous Asks: Is it normal in a relationship for one party to grow to like the other party more than is being reciprocated?

Is it normal in a relationship for one party to grow to like the other party more than is being reciprocated? I feel like my bf of almost two years is way more into me than I am into him. I love the guy but is this just me being bored as we are no longer in our ‘honeymoon’ phase of a relationship? Or do I need to reasess and think about parting ways?
— Anonymous

Hey Anonymous,

I don’t know if I would describe this as “normal,” but I would definitely say this happens enough that you aren’t abnormal.

The honeymoon phase is a tricky little fucker. It’s almost like it sets people up for failure - a promise of a newfound relationship that will eventually not be quite like that. When it comes to that particular transition in a relationship, we ALL have to ask the question, “Okay, who are we now?”

If you aren’t feeling as satisfied as you think he might be, then it’s best to look inward instead of outward… meaning: don’t ask “what is it about him that’s leaving me unfulfilled?” but rather “what is it about ME that’s leaving me unfulfilled?”

Instead of trying to figure out whether or not he is providing a, b, or c, try to figure out if you’re really even needing a, b, or c, or if you are an x, y, z, kind of guy, and whether there is a random r or a k in there. Get to know yourself better to understand what you need from relationship, why you need it, and if it’s even realistic? When you ask yourself these questions, write them down along with your answers. Pen-to-paper gives it a stronger hold in our brain.

Here’s the kicker though: often what we think we want is not necessarily what sustains a great relationship. You can say you want a guy with a good job who is adventurous and makes you laugh. But that doesn’t mean he will be a good communicator or empathetic to YOUR needs. So, as you ask yourself those questions, be as brutally honest with yourself as possible. Would you rather have the nice guy who is kinda blah, or the wild guy who is kind of a dick? Since all of us are different, there’s technically no wrong answer.

To me, the true sign of when a relationship has gotten so stale that it is worth walking away is when you feel like roommates rather than a couple. This is when the relationship is basically void of all intimacy. Some people think this is when the sex stops but I disagree with that. There is so much more intimacy that’s shared in a relationship than just sex. There are so many other things you’d do with a partner than you’d do with a roommate.

If you see things headed in this direction, either try and be the partner you’d like to have, or figure out how things can come to an end so you don’t waste each other’s time.

Best of luck,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger

Dennis Asks: Were you always comfortable being naked? If not, why?

I grew up Catholic, gay and what my mom used to call “husky” which I knew meant fat. So because of all that I had tremendous body shame until my 20s. Now like you can’t keep my clothes on. Question: were you always comfortable being naked? If not why? And do you differentiate between nude and naked?
— Dennis

Hi Dennis,

So glad you were able to overcome body shame and shed your clothes.  That's awesome.

Was I always comfortable being naked?  The answer is no.  In fact, I am still not always comfortable being naked now.  It just depends the scenario.  Sometimes it's easy for me.  Sometimes it's very difficult.  

Like you, I grew up with a lot of body shame.  Though, it may be different from yours as it wasn't due to any kind of religious or conservative thinking.  More so, I grew up in a house of women and it's the norm (unfortunately) for women to dislike their bodies.  So it wasn't that my family members shamed each other, my family members shamed themselves and I absorbed that mentality.

With that, I grew up with a deep rooted sense of body dysmorphia.  And for me, it will never truly go away.  I feel fortunate that I have over come 80% of  it.  But that 20% can still nag at me.  This is why I continue to strip down openly in front of the world... to help fight off that 20%, to not let it grow up to 50%.  The best way to overcome fear is to face it.

As for your last question of whether I differentiate between nude or naked, I don't think I have ever thought about it.  So, at this time, I use the terms interchangeably.  But something tells me you might differentiate (seeing as how you asked the question).  If that's the case, then I'd love it if you (or any of you reading this) would comment on this response and explain it.  I think it'd be fascinating.

Cheers,

Scott
Bare InkSlinger